I Internalize

The one who bore me
Now disowns me
Says she’s sorry for my children
She’s replaced me
With a replica
Hoping to filter the rebellion
But she didn’t
Because she couldn’t
And now she’s blaming me and the girl.

I internalize
And I agonize
How could I be so vicious and evil
To care for the ones that she’s hurting
So I internalize and agonize
Confused as to what I’ve done wrong.

Now the rain is beating down
Like her words against my soul
My heart
Is breaking
While I wish the rain would pelter out my memories and nightmares of the past.

I’m reliving it inside
In the cigarette smoke
I see her face
The children who she replaced
And the one she has erased
I see fading into the after-wisps.

To the ones I told
The words are gold
I won’t lie for the one who’s betrayed me
The one who’s blood stirs cold in my veins.

I’m so far away now
I’ve lost my place in her heart
Another part of me dead
I want to bleed her out
Cut her out like she cut me
But I mean physically
Where’s the surgeon
How much does it cost?
Is it more than what I’m paying for now?

I’ll internalize
And agonize
Until the days are ended to my demise
The rain comes down harder now
Willing me to cry but the tears won’t come
I’m too stricken.
I internalize
I’m not surprised
That it’s warmer in winter here to her harsh cold words.

It’s so absurd I did the right thing

Greta Kratz

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